life after suicide: day 482

dear red star riser, you are about to read a journal entry from my life after suicide experience. thank you for holding her in your tender, loving kindness.

june 20, 2018

physical observations i am noticing ~ my compulsion to overeat and eat junk is diminishing: less and less am i craving sweets or even have a taste for them; more and more, whole, unprocessed, fresh foods taste many, many times better than processed, sugary, junk foods.

less and less do i need to fill conversational space ~ eg. with brother, or the housemate ~ i’ll say a few things to spark conversation and then leave it.

energetically i’m noticing what it is to direct my energy back towards myself, how much that feels like so much extra for me. this acclimatization of new and renewed sources of energy is a neat experience.

i had a non-violent dream with mother in it last night ~ that’s new. even in the dream i was confused as to why i was asking her things ~ or consulting with her. we were in the kitchen cooking, or some such thing.

this last week and a half i was pooping, gassy, and had diarrhea lots ~ like so much. and i feel like it was emdr, and clearing related.

my whole nervous system is receiving a reboot and recalibration. the body is settling. and reshuffling. i am affecting my dna ~ both forward and backward.

today was a good day. this story is going to be good.

a thought during meditation tonight ~ i am already fully, wholly, completely, irrevocably healed ~ i will go through the “work” though, my mind needs it for affirmation and clarification, “proof” that it did the work. huh.

another idea: after having deep dived into my past and “where are they nows”, i realized i’ve been keeping myself in a sort of purgatory, and said to myself, it’s ok to go do the things i want to do. i give myself permission to go do the things i want to do, too.

(eg. watching everyone go live their life while i sit here ~ keeping myself here ~ stunted, running the same familiar track. i can go out and do those things (my deeper desires in life), too.

sometimes i imagine myself a smoker. sometimes, when wearing ritchie’s blue jean work shirt, i see myself with a cigarette in hand and transposed on top of me is an image of him smoking. it’s in moments like those i wonder whose life i’m living. it’s in moments like those i wonder who am i becoming. it’s in moments like those i believe in the power of a long puff/drag. (the release of stress and tension.)

smile ~ try ~ your feelings, let them be here. contrary to popular belief you will not be swallowed whole by your feelings. they will transform. they too, ebb and flow, like the ocean. i can see how they would feel so powerful, so visceral, with the power of the ocean behind it.

less and less about how to mitigate future made up circumstances and movie reels, and more and more, what can i do right here and now with the ideas and inspirations which have been delivered to me. less and less future casting, more and more present playing.

this is pure magic.

also ~ releasing from tethers amplifies gratitude for when magic does happen in life.

being stripped of this many stories makes room for delight and surprise with what does show up.
i’m growing ↑ expanding ↔ and deepening ↓ ~ out and in to my Self. this is a wild ride. like i’m back ← into myself ~ tho also ~ so much more → out there.

so much more me in the world.

still yet…
expecting something to go wrong
someone to kill themself
on trauma and seeing “bad” all around

☾ᐧ post script context ᐧ☽

this is my live-and-real-time experience: the healing and growth i’m observing here are directly related to all of the “work” i was doing in therapy, and in my life. at the time i wuz seeing my third therapist in a year, and going to near weekly appointments to process what i had been thru. the therapist used emdr in their practice and at this time i wuz three months into my first experience with the emdr modality. i wuz curiously watching physical shifts and changes in my body, meandering thru new mental and emotional changes, all while continuing to traverse the underworld on my heroine’s journey.