life after suicide: is a mess.

life after suicide: is a mess.

i struggle.
i strive.
i deep dive.
i drown.

i struggle through my trauma, ptsd, and grieving… omgosh the grieving.

i strive by working, doing better, being perfect, doing more, trying harder. it looks and sounds like: are all my ducks in a row? must get dang ducks in a row. order everyday, fantastical hyper-order to pendulum swing me out of the chaos of my life, my inner world, and my lived experience.

i deep dive into that healthy lifestyle. hello, wheelbarrows of supplements and a smoothie addiction to curb my out of control sugar cravings (sugar soothes me ~ how about you?); into working without boundaries; and eventually into therapy sessions.

i drown, repeatedly, i drown. i’m still drowning in parts. there is air, and immediately there is dark suffocating mental and emotional chaos. (this is normal, right? i’m ok?)

while i am “in it”, deep in my grieving, my ptsd, my trauma loop, while i am there ~ stuck ~ my lenses shift and all i can see is the end of my nose and the pain and suffering that is obediently following behind.

every once in a while, coming up for air i get to notice the world in one inch fragments farther and farther away from my nose.

with time, my perspective grows farther and farther away from the experience that is my dads death. more and more i am able to see the world around me.

the moral of this story is, when you’re “in it”… in the weeds, in the drowning, in the pain, suffering, grief, trauma, agony of living…

let this be your reminder to do what ever you can to gain a wider perspective. however that looks for you, whatever it means to you.

when i sit so close to my pain for so long i become it. getting a wider lens on life, in part, helps release from the attachment. it helps me release it from my grip.

i love you,

xxo ~k 💛