life after suicide: day 74

dear red star riser, you are about to read a journal entry from my life after suicide experience. thank you for holding her in your tender, loving kindness.

may 8, 2017

i thought that if i worked really hard to get all of this work done by june it would be over. that it all would be over then. that’s just not the case. this will never end. this whole thing is never. going. to. end. ok, yes it will shift and morph into different feelings, though there is no end to this. this is my new reality and it’s only just beginning. 😐 what the heck.

on friendships and trying to get them started, or foster new friendships: i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. how come no one will answer me? how come no one replies to my suggestions towards spending time together. what am i doing wrong here? am i that bad? am i that bad a person, that dislikable, unfavourable? on these people in my life who verbally wish to show up and then bail or flake: what am i to do with that? is that the reflection of my own actions?

it hurts. it’s painful. i had such a hard weekend, trying to get out and be with people. only one showed up; that was great, we went for a bike ride. though the rest of the weekend i spent feeling worthless. truly, not feeling worth anyone’s time. who do i call in these instances? who do i ask for help from? and all those people not answering, how far do i keep up with it? why is it all so hard, hard to get people interested and involved in spending time with me. i feel very exasperated on the energy i keep spending towards getting others in my life.

a meeting with my counsellor, sandy, tomorrow morning. this will be a welcome reprieve into help.

help. god, please help me.

dear god, i’m lonely. i’m sad. please help me.

❤️ kendall. 😐