life after suicide: i lost everything

my experience in life after suicide: i lost more than my dad, i lost everything.

i lost my dad.
i left my job.
i lost my sense of time.
and space.
i lost all sense of ‘normalcy’.
i lost the ability to hold my emotions in.
i lost myself.
i lost clear thinking.
i lost easy comprehension.
i got lost in grief and ptsd.
i lost who i thought i was.
i lost my work.
i lost my family.
i lost my mother.
i lost my brother.
i sold my house.
i lost my future dreams.
i lost calm and peace.
i lost a lover.
and then another.
i lost where i thought i was going.
and then i lost it again.
i lost masks.
i lost layers.
i lost beliefs.
i lost ideas.
i lost naivety.
i lost my blinders.
i lost the light for a time.

this list isn’t the complete list of what i’ve lost in my experience of life after suicide.

and, i am only one of the people who have been affected in the ‘circle of impact’ from my dads suicide. if i were to stack, and pile, and mount the first circle of influence, how long would this list be? how about the second, or third, circle of influence; where would i be then? can i comprehend that?

wife, son, daughter, mother, sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers, neighbours, acquaintances. how about those who were in contact with ‘processing’ my dads body, knowing it was suicide, what happens to their loss, their grieving, their trauma?

whether it’s us or another, suicide touches so many more human-hearts than the ‘statistics’ would ever calculate. life after suicide is many things, may this one moment enlighten us all to the load carried by those left over.

i love you,

xxo ~k 💙