my suicidal shame

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👇🏿 ain’t got no time for that? press play for the radical radio recording ✨

my own suicidal thoughts: i have them. i can say for sure that i have had suicidal thoughts, though to tell you with exact preciseness about the experience? i can’t do that.

my suicidal thoughts blend into the grey fog of consciousness from where they arise. the same grey fog of consciousness that swallows me whole while i am in those “suicidal places”.

i’m tellin’ ya, it’s a fucking trip. pre-2017, before my dads death, suicide is given only a subtle, silent, forgetful nod in my lexicon. post-2017 suicide is landed squarely in my lexicon and as of this writing i’ve had many moments sunk in suicidal thoughts. for me, they’re as recent as last spring.

so i get it. i know what it’s like to be in a place so desperate, so absolute in terror, and acute numbness, that death, full-on annihilation of the Self, is even considered. as time goes on, and i hear from others, i’m realizing how many of us actually experience suicidal thoughts. it’s shocking really, the amount of us who do have suicidal thoughts compared to those of us who speak that shit out loud.

i get it. talking about it makes it real. talking it out loud means something to us. usually, it’s a negative story of… weakness. inadequacy. fragility. defectiveness. shame. worthlessness. shame. all of my deepest fears about my Self are true. shame. insignificance. shame.

during my heroine’s journey, while i am taking on the demons, dragons, bitches and beasts in my own underworld, my feelings pour out one night in my journal…

ps. i don’t want to go to sleep.
if i rub my eyes enough it’ll all go away.
the bath tub, with the curtain pulled, is the safest place for me.

when i am confronted with my own struggles on my heroine’s journey, at different points over the next four years, i consider my own suicide. on these occasions i encounter the horrible, unrelenting pain of Life and consider the end of my own. it’s here that i’m surprised with my inability to get the words out: “i need help.” “i need your help.” “i need anyone’s help.”

is it the terror that catches in my throat, freezes my fingers before calling a friend to help me thru this deathly space? is it the shame for where i find myself, eclipsed wholly by thoughts of ending my life? is it submission, low self-worth driving my ship straight thru the black abyss to The End? i can’t say, really. i can say that speaking the words “i need help” out loud feels impossible at the time. that my life is at risk, no matter.

there i am twist-turning on the flat level of my bed as i fall, soul first, thru the abyss that is my own underworld. i wail, silent wails, as time mercilessly floats on and i tick closer to the edge of my undoing, waiting for that brutal void to birth me thru the dawn. when i hold on long enough and land here, at the edge of daybreak, i am rewarded with the opportunity to try again. to live again. to breathe and be and feel again.

it’s thru these moments, my own experience personally, as well, thru my experience of my dads suicide death, that an idea to have a safe word for life, comes to me. i call them red star words. like a safe word one might use in sex, it’s a code word for Life. red star words are meant to convey the deep immediate need for care and attention. a panic button, if you will.

we may not ever need them. we may use them once in a blue moon (and blue moons do happen). we may find them a helpful tool as we continue to navigate thru our lived experiences. we may be grateful for their presence in our life for our loved ones. whichever the case may be, take a moment to create your own red star word with someone you trust.

choose a code word that you’ll both remember if yer in need of immediate support. practice saying it out loud a few times. write it down in their contact profile on your phone. it’s meant to be a “panic button” for Life, yours, theirs, so if-when the time comes, pals, use it freely.

and please know, we don’t have to traverse suicidal terrain alone. if yer in need of support, or a beloved needs support, reach out here.

i love you and your safe words,

xxo ~k 🧡

☾ᐧ post script ᐧ☽

to this day, the bath tub, with the curtain pulled, is still the safest place for me.

☾ᐧ post-post script ᐧ☽

it doesn’t even necessarily need to be filled with any water.

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