my own suicidal thoughts

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👇🏿 ain’t got no time for that? press play for the radical radio recording ✨

in my journey post-suicide death of my dad, i am confronted with my own struggles.

after ritchie dies, on three different occasions in eleven months, i consider my own suicide. never before do i entertain the idea of taking my own life. never. in fact, if you were to look under the letter ‘s’ in my dictionary of Life, suicide would not be listed anywhere at all.

as time goes on, there are other moments that i consider my own suicide. on these occasions i am confronted with the horrible, unrelenting pain of considering the end of my own life. through those terrifying moments i can’t begin to even choke out the words:

“i need help.”
“i need your help.”
“i need anyone’s help.”

caught like a log jam in my throat it is all i can do but twist the sheets between my hands and shake in the darkness of the night, waiting for that brutal darkness to birth me into the sunrise of the next morning: where i might try again, getting through the pain; where i might try again, getting through life.

this idea, to have a code word for life, comes through me of my own experience personally, as well, through my experience of my dads suicide death.

like a code word one might use to tap out of a wrestle, red star words are meant to convey the deep immediate need for care and attention. a panic button on life, if you will.

create one with someone you trust.
practice saying it out loud a few times.
write it down in their contact on your phone.
spread the good word with your inner circle.

we don’t need it, until we do.

i love you much,

xxo ~k 💙💛

☾ᐧ post script ᐧ☽

i won’t judge yours if you don’t judge mine

☾ᐧ post-post script ᐧ☽

not sure what a code word is? read this

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