life after suicide: day 69

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👇🏿 ain’t got no time for that? press play for the radical radio recording ✨

dear red star riser, you are about to read a journal entry from my life after suicide experience. thank you for holding her in your tender, loving kindness.

may 3, 2017

god, i feel lonely and particularly alone currently. please help me. thank you for giving me loving social dates in the past and for sending me loving friends.

percolating on how i perceive the pictures others present to the world and who they are. i see strong, stable, loyal, hard working, positive minded, joyful, happy, and lucky, kinds of humans.

what kind of person am i? what kind of story does my life tell? who am i? where am i going?

~ journal quote immediately follows ~ “to create one’s own world takes courage.” georgia o’keeffe

what do i desire in my life? what do i wish to create? what actions are required to get there?

i did chest opening exercises last night and my chest-heart is sore today. i couldn’t sleep last night, i flipped and flopped for a couple hours.

the week of my birthday, that sunday the 16th, was the first time in my experience that i felt so low. so low in self-confidence, self-esteem, feeling like i can’t do anything right. that everything i’ve done is crap. that my life is in shambles. needing resuscitation in all parts. socially feeling isolated, alone. a place where at last the nudge towards my own suicide appeared.

that is new, i have never experienced that before. though i’ve read it in a book and heard concern on it. mental health. such an important facet towards whole health.

i wonder how we all might have changed our behaviours towards ritchie had we been able to gather the depth of his mental illness (still not jazzed about that term… 😣)

everything in my experience right now is exasperated. i keep thinking that i “should” capture this all, this whole experience through words. that seems like an immeasurable task.

there’s so much more travelling through my ethers… i’m trying so hard towards a certain outcome.

i’m exhausted. it’s so tiring. ☹️

☾ᐧ post script context ᐧ☽

i’ve said it before, though if i could create some sort of technological “feelings based scratch-and-feel” i would. the feelings i feel here are dimensional and felt through the depths of me: thru bone, marrow, sinew, tissue, and hair. every-all-where’s i am consumed in the depths of my feelings, my drownings, my “ego-dying-heroine-journey-ing’s”. sigh

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