hope in a hard place

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👇🏿 ain’t got no time for that? press play for the radical radio recording ✨


i’m not special. the only reason i am still here ~ alive and in the flesh ~ is because in my hardest, darkest, most brutal moments i choose to hold on.

that’s all.

it’s simple. not easy.
simple.
not at all fuckin easy.

while i am there in those moments i never experience an ‘a-ha’ moment. there isn’t some euphoric bliss that passes over me. i don’t have a come-to-jesus, or praise-be-all-the-things-whatever-is-holy-to-you, moment. i’m not washed of my sins, my ego doesn’t die, and my pains are not lessened on that bed. no. not for me they aren’t.

i simply hold on through the darkest nights of my life. (yes, many nights.)

as i say in my soon to be published memoir red star rising: life after suicide ~

“there isn’t some prescription i can deliver, from one suicidal person to another, no black text on white pages that will soothe the special sort of agony that you may be facing. no.

there is simply where i have been, what i have been through, and where i am now.”

do i have my shit all figured out? no.
do i feel like i’m “thriving”? no.
do i feel like i still struggle-fuck through life, yea. sometimes, absolutely.
do i feel magically “fixed” or “better” or “erased of that evil”? no.

am i grateful to experience little things…

💫 sunshine on my skin
💫 feel of cold air in my lungs
💫 watching puppers tails wag
💫 the feel of chocolate on my tongue
💫 the twinge of joy that jolts my stomach muscles at an unexpected and hilarious joke
💫 twinkle lights
💫 warm socks
💫 towels fresh out of the dryer
💫 clean dishes
💫 doodling with glitter pens
💫 quenched thirst
💫 a soft, warm, dry bed
💫 surprises, small and delightful
💫 color, all color: green trees, blue sky, grey cloud, purple shoes, red blanket…

yes. i am grateful.

it’s not been big, magical, fancy-dance things that have arrived post-suicidal-experiences. no.

it’s been a slow titration, over time, of life getting progressively better. of my internal world, my mental health, getting progressively more aligned with the self-loving, self-worth-affirming, positive, generative thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, behaviours, and actions of my bright future.

are there seasons of light and dark through our lives? (ALL our lives.) yes.
is there reason to hold on through our dark seasons, to experience more of Life? yes.

our reasons to hold on might not be the same, though i figure it comes down to this:

You Are Worthy of Life.

YOU are WORTHY of LIFE.

if you can’t yet find that for yourself, lean into my belief of it for you.

you, darling one, are worthy ~ SO FUCKING WORTHY ~ of Life.

and this: if-when it gets so brutally dark, so lethargically depressing, so insanely morbid in your head, hold on.

just. hold. on.

you are worthy of life.

again.

You. Are Worthy. of Life.

i love you fiercely,

xxo ~k 💛

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