a heroine and her stories

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i’ve been triggered and am processing much old emotional pain yesterday and today. last night, after the werkshop call, and this morning and afternoon. there is so much emotion swelling up and out of me. so much.

the stories that flow from it as i experience them come from the “i’m insignificant” belief that i’ve been carrying. my mind is trying to find all of the “evidence” that i’m insignificant. it’s time to stop. it’s simply not true. i am significant.

my stories of the past boil down to a few, and they are loud and rowdy.

“i’m insignificant”.
“i’m not enough”.
“i’m wrong”.

while i’m in those places of wrenching emotion i wish i could simply pluck them all out and allow the energy to flow thru me once again. once and for all.

some continue to tell me what i did was strong. it doesn’t feel strong. and when my inner girl hears that she doesn’t believe it. she would rather the chaos, the confusion, the panic, the anxiety, the emotional rollercoaster, because then she would “be ok”.

she feels bad, wrong, insignificant, not enough… the little girl in me screams at times, yelling, “i’ll do better. i can do better. i’m sorry i was so wrong.” it’s a repeat of the feelings and emotions and internalized stories i had created as a child with father ~ my alcoholic bio-dad. internalizing all of his behavior as my own short comings, my own insignificance, lack of worthiness, proof of my own “wrong” and “bad” being-ness.

in my little me meditations… in each meditation, wherever i find her, i bring little me to our special place, and i whisper: “kiki, you’re home.” ❤️

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