a heroine and her losses

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feeling the shifting of the earth and the resulting crack in my Soul Self. what is here? what grief medicine is here for me now that i validate this experience for myself?

the earth is shifting. i too, am shifting. the earth is shifting and i am too. the loss of my “girl” identity as i step into my “woman” identity. also, a loss of my girl identity long before this, long, long before this: always being there for others; always stepping in to right the ship.

loss of identity, letting go all of the negative patterns above. not needing, or wanting, to take on the work of others. content to sit in my own sovereignty and align myself with my own highest goals and values. now not willing to take on the work of others. grieving the loss, my own loss, of Self. an identity that i have been holding dear and near in my heart for far too long.

and too, other losses: the loss of childhood, standing at the carport entry as a young girl around this time of year feeling a distinct shift and change, “one must grow up,” They say. around this time in grade 11 feeling another distinct shift, “one must now grow up and prepare for her future,” They say. around this time feeling the shift and change in relationship with my first partner, a loss of innocence as my relationship crumples before my very eyes, breaking my heart over and over again: a loss of The Dream.

and so as the edges of the river Grief wash up to me, i’m feeling into this currently unnameable thing. a thing that i feel deeply and am reeling in today. reeling around in. circling around and around on.

…i feel like i’m doing this wrong. i feel like a failure. every cell in my body hates that, hates this feeling of failure.

it might feel different “over there”. not this, not that.

and yet, that too, is not true.

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